tricky happy

If one doesn't "believe in God" in the conventional sense, and yet one finds oneself praying, who exactly is it that one is praying to?  Moreover, if one doesn't "believe in God" in the conventional sense, and one's prayers are answered, whom, pray tell, does one thank?

Dilemma?  Perhaps.  But a sweet one.  A blessedly philosophically trivial dilemma, the type of which Deepak Chopra would encourage.

I have been writing these missives to my friends and self in the form of blog for over a year now.  In the shady back burner schematic mind set of mine, it was a year project.  Not completely non inspired by Julie and Julia, a year long project writing about us and what we are eating and the vague notion that even though times were indeed quite tough, we were still going to eat well and notice it.  And then, after a year, let's see what we have and where we are.

So, what have we and where are we?

A year ago I was in a kind of self induced agony and cursing fate because I had to take jobs that I considered tinged with the bile hue of failure in the catering food world, I had to help Jono with his party in Brooklyn.
Today I had to turn down helping Jono again because this year's party conflicted with a scheduled performance of Billy Elliot and I'm bummed.

A year ago catering Jono's party lead to working with Carlo for another party where I met Louis who is now the Chef for the Italian Ambassador at the U.N.
Today, I work for Louis as his sous chef whenever I can.  We have cooked for parties at the Ambassador's residence, a fire Station in long Island (that we nearly set on fire with some misguided sterno use), corporate events in Sag Harbor, and private residences in Long Island, Manhattan, and New Jersey.  Every time I assist this French Culinary Institute trained Chef who has become a dear friend, I learn more, my skill level jumps, and frankly, love it.

A year ago I hadn't even heard of Chef Bobo.  I started writing these things and my friend Sarah said, "Hey, write some children's books for me."  So I did.  She said, "Write this book about Chef Bobo."  So I did.  Chef Bobo.  Such a presence in my life now, hard to believe he wasn't always there.  Chef Bobo is the executive chef at the Calhoun School on the upper west side of Manhattan and one of the original school lunch program revolutionaries.  After receiving an post middle age training at the French Culinary Institute and being fired up after reading "Fast Food Nation", he revamped the lunch program at Calhoun, hiring young FCI trained chefs and bringing organic, fresh, beyond gourmet, delicious foods to those lucky, lucky kids everyday.
Sarah introduced me to him.  I spent some days watching the program and talking to Bobo to get his life story.  He hired me a couple of times to help with some events at Calhoun.
Today, he inspires me daily.   He taught me through his very being that stumbling and finding your bliss ain't just a pretty turn of Campbell phrase, it is a whole, valid, actuality.  Re-meeting Sarah and meeting Bobo changed my life.

A year ago, I had a conversation with Paul my father in law about four days before he died.  I told him that I was determined to get some culinary training and not ever have a year like the one we just had.  He said he thought is was a good idea and then asked me what caramelized meant.
Today, I find that I have made good on that promise or determination.  I felt, when talking to Paul, more than a little guilt at having failed to find the bacon to bring home.  I had the responsibility of providing for his daughter and his children and I hadn't been able to find a way to do that.

A year ago, I thought that working in any other profession other than my chosen field of theater, film and television was failure.
Today, I am on a delicious adventure wherein I have discovered all sorts of treasures that I hadn't even suspected existed.


A year ago, I stumbled.
Today... I am finding bliss.

A year ago, we had exhausted our savings and had to borrow from relatives to pay our mortgage.    Throughout the next several months we would eek by with tax refunds and some very generous friends who appeared magically out of the past to get us through the spring.  But by June we simply couldn't raise our mortgage and stopped paying.   We fell three months behind.
Today, with my blessed steady employment for the last three months we have set up a payment plan with the bank and have gained ground on our debt.  If, I am able to continue working, we might just pull even again by the spring.

A year ago, I had wondered if I would ever work in the theater again.  Wondered if I wanted to.  Wondered what I had done wrong, why I was being punished.
Today I work on Broadway in a production that challenges me in every way.  Physically, I have been transformed.  20 pounds lighter and in better shape than I, frankly ever thought I would be again.
Didn't even think it was possible. Moreover, I work in a production that is the rarest of all commodities on Broadway these days, a piece that is artistically valid and determined to keep it's opening night integrity intact.  I am blessed.

A year ago, I asked for what I have Today.

It has been very difficult to get this particular chapter of the blog out.  Not only is there the pressure of the "year long" installment, but the need isn't quite what it was.  It is harder to write when you are happier.

So listen, here is the biggest lesson:  No matter what, I can never think of myself as "arrived".  No matter what, I must not be "satisfied".  I have learned that the place where I considered my failure to live -providing food for people as a living, was actually the place where my happiness existed, and frankly, no one is more surprised than I. 

So, instead of saying, "Ah, I made it through it, I am on Broadway again!  Whew!  Hopefully, I'll never have another year like that again!", I am saying, "Thank God I am lucky enough to have another well paying TEMPORARY job in the theater.  Thank God I have learned that every job in the theater is TEMPORARY.   I will use every spare second to keep making the people food and finding away to feed my family by finding a way to feed everybody." 

And I do.  On nights off I have cooked with Louis at the Ambassador's residence and we just did a job on Thanksgiving cooking for 20.  The writing continues, the searching continues, the living continues.
The theater jobs come and go, but everybody wants to eat every day.

So I for one, plan to suck it up.

So, the answer is, I thank all the Gods.  I believe in the power of belief.  It got us through.

Gosh I love you people.

Happy New Year!

LEMON LINGUINE WITH ROASTED BEATS, ARUGULA, CREAM FRAICHE AND A DUCK STOCK REDUCTION

For Roasted Beets:
2 or 3 medium to large beets
olive oil
Kosher salt
Butter

Preheat oven to 400º.  Keeping skin on beets, brush on oil and sprinkle with salt.  Wrap each beet in tin foil and place on pan in oven.  Roast for 1 hour.
Let Beets cool, peel, and then julienne.  (I used a fancy mandolin with a julienne attachment.  The object is to get the beet the same width and thickness as the linguine so that it will incorporate in the pasta seamlessly.)
In a tablespoon or two of butter, saute beets just enough to melt the butter and incorporate throughout.  Set aside.

For the Duck Stock Reduction:
2 quarts duck stock
1 to 2 cups Chardonnay

In a sauce pan combine the wine and duck stock and boil about 30 to 40 minutes until greatly reduced and thickened.
Set aside.

For the lemon oil:
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 lemon, zested.
Combine the oil and the lemon zest in a small bowl and reserve.

For the Pasta:
1 lb. fresh linguine pasta
2 Tbs. olive oil
4 Shallots, chopped
3 Garlic cloves, minced
1/4 cup lemon juice (about 2 lemons)
2 lemons zested.
salt and pepper
1 bunch arugula
Creme Fraiche

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat.  Add the pasta and cook 2 to 3 minutes. 
Meanwhile, in a large heavy skillet, warm the olive oil over medium heat.  Add the shallots and garlic and cook for 3 to 5 minutes until soft but not browned.   Add the cooked linguine (take it directly from the water without draining so that pasta water still clings to the pasta), lemon juice, lemon zest, salt and pepper.  Using a mesh sieve, strain the lemon zest out of the reserved lemon olive oil and add oil to the pasta.  The zest can be discarded.  Toss to combine.

Plating:
Lay down duck stock reduction, add pasta, layer beets, layer arugula, top with creme fraiche and lemon zest.