I woke around 5 AM this morning. Shaw was wanting something to eat and Nicole was seeing to it. Duncan had heard the human movement on the second floor and assumed it was time to get up. We got Duncan back to bed and I headed back to our room. I took the radio that I keep next to the bed, adjusted the volume so that I could just hear it if I pressed it next to my ear and listened to right wing talk radio. This has evolved to being the way that I put myself to sleep every night. It works very well, I usually fall asleep in about 10 minutes this way. If I don't use the radio, I start to think when I lie there. Thinking gives way to worry, and worry transforms to panic. The right wing content allows me just enough anger/distraction to keep me from my own poisionous thoughts and lulls me to sleep. In the morning when I'm making coffee and Duncan's bagels and eggs, I put on the NPR.
NPR for the kitchen, Fox radio for the bedroom.
The 5 AM radio trick wasn't working. My own thoughts were louder than the radio.
The spiraling began. When I came downstairs around 7:00, Duncan was on the couch with a book.
"What do you want for breakfast?"
"No. Mom."
"Well, I can make it for you if you want."
"No. I just want Mom."
Since Nicole and Shaw have returned from Missouri, I have slipped back firmly into second position in Duncan's family hierarchy. It's okay. It's as it should be, and I do think my second position, while still second, is a slightly higher second since our Michigan odyssey.
Now, if I was a smarter man, and some days I am, I would march upstairs, get some running clothes on, do a nice slow 5k and let the endorphins do their magic. Probably that day is tomorrow. Today, apparently I'm going to worry. Not smart today. Probably smarter tomorrow.
I talked to my therapist for the first time in several years a couple of weeks ago after a day like this. He told me I need to make money. He's right. For the last twelve years straight, I've made the money by acting in plays on Broadway and occasionally appearing on television. My life expanded around that streak of employment in the entertainment industry. A house was bought, a family grew. Now, I'm weathering a dry spell and I find that I don't know how to do anything else. (This is where the worry starts.) I look at friends who have gone on to have wildly successful careers in theater, film and television and made oodles of money. (This is where the spiraling begins.) I look at other friends who got out and now support their families in more traditional ways week to week and go on skiing vacations and such... and I... Damn it. Now I'm there.
It's just money. Probably in the grand scheme of things at the end of it all, I'm going to be pretty pissed that I spent so much time fretting about things that I couldn't control. And things have always worked out somehow in the past so things will probably work out in the future. I have hope as in "I hope that phone's gonna vibrate some money into this house."
I'm pretty sure that the upstairs bathroom shower drain pipe is leaking into the plaster of the kitchen ceiling, because when someone takes a shower you can hear a drip and there is a crack appearing.
I have friends who would give anything to have my problems.
I did have a day of employment last week on a major motion picture. Henry's Crime starring Keanu Reeves. I had a scene with Keanu. I was the detective who was trying to keep him from making a terrible mistake that would result in his needlessly going to prison for three to seven years. It went well, and I shared a black SUV from the Suffolk County Jail back to the city with Keanu. We talked a bit. I told him about my family. He said he didn't have any children.
"Huh." I thought. "Huh."
Listen, I get it. I just need more money.
And so, I do what I can do. I cook. And hope.
I'm gonna go home and go for a run, then make dinner.
Polenta Stuffed Peppers
4 to 8 red or yellow bell peppers (depending on size)
3/4 lb. sweet or hot Italian sausage
1 Tbs. butter
1/2 cup finely chopped onion
1 cup polenta
3 1/2 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup heavy cream
3/4 cup fresh or frozen corn kernels
1/3 cup chopped fresh basil
1/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1 tsp kosher salt
1/2 cup freshly grated Pecorino Romano Cheese
1/2 cup shredded mozzarella or Gruyere
Cut the tops off the bell peppers and remove seeds and ribs. Blanch for two to three minutes in boiling water to soften slightly. Arrange in a shallow buttered baking dish.
Preheat oven to 375ยบ F.
Remove casings from sausages and heat in saute pan, breaking up the meat over med. heat until no longer pink.
Melt the butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and cook until the onion softens, 3 minutes. Add polenta and stir to mix. Slowly pour in the chicken broth, stirring to combine. Add the cream, corn, basil, cilantro, salt, sausage, and 1/4 cup of the Pecorino. Cook, stirring constantly about 10 minutes. Remove from heat.
Fill the peppers with the polenta. Sprinkle with the remaining Pecorino Romano and the Mozzarella/Gruyere. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes until golden and bubbling Serve hot.
No comments:
Post a Comment