In the hotel room the camera rolled and the casting producer asked me the basics: "Why do you cook?" She asked about my first experiences with food, what is my signature dish, yada, yada. She asked me about my career, my family. I told her about Paul and my kids. I told her how Capra-esque this whole experience seemed to me with cooking itself acting as some sort of Clarence the angel causing me to view what is most important in my life each and every day just in the act of getting food on the table for my family, all the while the Potters of the world getting closer and closer to the front door.
I felt myself getting passionate.
She asked me what it would be like to win this competition. I scoffed. I said I hadn't allowed myself to think or imagine that far ahead; that the rejection ratio inherent in my business has taught me to kind of "stick and move." Not to try to dwell on the "what ifs" when you're up for a big job, because the repetitive stress of the crashes when the jobs inevitably fall through is too tough on the psyche.
I went on about how it is silly to call this show "Masterchef" anyway. The idea that I could go from amateur to master in five weeks is absurd. More scoffing from me.
She said, "Imagine what it would be like to bring home the cash prize on this show. Imagine that you are telling your wife that you won and are bringing her the money."
She had found the button, and she had pressed it.
I was overcome. I was awash in tears. Just the idea of bringing home a big pot of golden bacon and relieving the stress around here for a while did me quite in. I was embarrassed. I tried to breathe through it and respond to the question. I managed "We've been through a lot, and my wife has been pretty wonderful."
As I emerged from the emotion with some laughter I said, "Is there a cash prize? I really hadn't even thought about it."
"There is a sizable prize."
After the interview, the casting producer pressed her card into my hand and said, "I really want you to do this. I would root for you."
And I felt that thing that I hadn't felt in acting auditions for a very long time. When you feel it it's golden. The feeling of, "Oh, I'm the one they're looking for."
Over that weekend we made the home movie that Masterchef required. We did pizzas from scratch with Duncan assisting, Shaw observing from the bouncy seat and Nicole on camera. In my mind ever preparing for let down, I'm thinking "Even if this doesn't happen we'll have this great home movie."
I sent off the movie, food photos, family photos, show photos with the very personal 27 page background check to the address in Southern California and did my best to forget about it. I wrote about the first experience here in this forum.
I received an email saying that I should not write about my Masterchef experience or tell anyone about it as I am still being considered and talking to the press or blogging could jeopardize my chances.
So, they had read my stuff. I took the entry off and let them know that I had.
Another two weeks go by and I get another email. This one telling me I am still be considered and I need to now make arrangements to have certain dates open for a 4 to 6 hour interview/psych test and be prepared to go to California for as long as 5 weeks. The email tells me they should be able to tell me if I am a finalist on Feb. 15.
In the meantime, I'm going to acting auditions and starting to wonder what would happen if I did get Masterchef. Maybe I would get more of that golden feeling. Then it dawns on me. "The greatest thing that could happen to my acting career would be to get the cooking show." Even if I got knocked off after the first week, it would give me some level of D list celebrity cred that seems to be absolutely required to get a part on Broadway these days. And what if I did win? What if I won? Could I instantly become a Masterchef? Would I travel the world and become a food network celebrity and eat and drink and.....
I started to want it.
I started to think, what if I did become a chef? What if I did leave the acting business behind? What if I did something else? Now, you must understand, I have been focused like a laser on making my living in this business for the last 26 years, and never really have entertained the notion of imagining doing something else, not really, not like this. And frankly the idea of doing something else thrilled me no end. The idea of not dragging myself to auditions for pieces I don't really want to do and trying to squeeze myself into some concept of what it is I think the folks who are casting want, the idea of not having to deal with a 96% rejection rate, the constant failure, to have some say over the outcome of my life, these ideas, the newness of them, the almost naughtiness of them made me quite drunk indeed, and I fear/hope might have changed me forever. Because I tell you, the thing that hurts me lately is I don't enjoy the acting enough. I'm mad at the acting for not staying lucrative and I wonder if I could take that onus off of it, if I could love it again someday... I kind of hope so, because I miss loving it. It is, after all, just an art form. My economic problems are not it's fault.
Masterchef folks were not the only ones who read my last piece here. An old friend from high school read it. Sarah Sandback. She read my stuff on Facebook and liked it. Sarah wrote me to tell me she is starting a publishing company called Kid Zenith and asked I be interested in writing children's literature for them. It was the Masterchef piece that she responded to.
I stood at the grill with the chicken. The charcoal smell reminding me of camping and Michigan like it always does. Smells like Dad-hood. I thought, "My life is changing. Whether or not it happens, the Masterchef thing, packing my stuff in the cooler and driving to Manhasset changed my life."
I wrote Sarah back and said, "Oh yes. Oh yes indeed." I submitted some material, they liked it and asked for more. They sent me stipend checks and contracts. Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.
I was in Michigan on February 15 when the Masterchef folks were supposed to let me know. They didn't call. I got grumpy.
On the 16th around 5:00 as I was making some pasta for the family (broccoli rabe and sausage) my phone vibrated. I saw it was a southern California number. As I finished laying out the sliced Italian sausage in the saute pan I felt the second vibration indicating that there was a voice message.
I stayed in the moment of not knowing. I allowed myself the thought of "Why would they call if it was no?". I thought that if it is no, I'm glad that I was cooking when they called because yes or no, I'm going to keep cooking.
It was no. The casting manager in Southern California told me that casting and the food judges were very impressed with me but I would not be a finalist on Masterchef. They wished me well and said that had my file now and I would be considered for future seasons.
Back in New Jersey, in the house that we are now considering leaving in a very real way. Trying to squeeze the concept into our upright midwestern thoughts that maybe there is no shame in not meeting a mortgage. Trying to wrap our minds around the concept of foreclosure in a real way. Knowing that if writing and cooking are the future, well we could do that anywhere; it doesn't have to be in the most expensive area of real estate in the world. The Kid Zenith stuff is awesome and points to a kind of future, but does not stop the boat from it's immediate sinking. As far as the acting, I keep thinking about that definition of insanity, "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome."
I'm cooking differently lately. With more precision, with more purpose. Masterchef changed my life.
BARBEQUE CHICKEN WITH DIJON FRIED RICE
MICHAL SYMON'S BBQ SAUCE
(If I don't have time for this, I use Famous Dave's)
1 Tbs. butter
1 c. chopped red onion
2 Tbs. minced garlic
2 Tbs. mince jalepeno
1/2 c. espresso beans, mashed with the flat side of a knife
4 ounces Worcestershire
4 ounces tomato paste
1 ounce apple cider vinegar
1 ounce balsamic vinegar
1/2 c. packed brown sugar
2 ounces apple cider
4 ounces veal stock
1 Tbs. chile powder
1 tsp. cumin
1 tsp. coriander
Melt butter and sweat onion, garlic and jalepeno. Add the remaining ingredients and cook on very low heat for 1 hour. Strain through a chinois.
BBQ CHICKEN
(I usually use chicken thighs with skin and drum sticks that I buy from Costco)
Put 2 quarts of water in a large non reactive bowl and dissolve 1/2 cup to 3/4 of a cup kosher salt. Put chicken (8 to 10 parts) in the brine and let soak for at least 4 hours.
Remove chicken and pat dry with paper towels.
Place about 30 charcoal briquettes evenly on one side of grill and light.
Take about a 1/2 cup of olive oil and brush on the chicken parts. Grind fresh black pepper over pieces.
Sear chicken in batches over the direct heat side of grill about 2 minutes per side. Should flame a great deal.
When chicken is seared on both sides transfer to the indirect side of grill and brush on BBQ sauce. Cover grill with vents open and cook over indirect heat for twenty minutes. Flip chicken brush on more sauce, cover and grill for 20 minutes more.
Sprinkle with chopped fresh herbs of your choice. (I like chives and basil among others.)
DIJON MUSTARD FRIED RICE
Vegetable oil
1 onion chopped
chopped mixed veggies - ie: broccoli, green peas, carrot, etc.
2 eggs beaten
4 cups cooked sushi rice
2 Tbs. soy sauce
3 Tbs. Dijon Mustard
1/4 cup chopped basil (Thai if you can get it)
1/4 cup chopped scallion
Fresh ground black pepper
Heat oil in a wok over high heat. (1 Tbs. at a time) Saute onion until soft and set aside. Add oil and saute veggies in batches until bright in color and soft and set aside. Add oil and cook eggs until firm remove, dice into 1 inch chunks and set aside. Add oil and heat rice through. Add soy sauce and mustard mix thoroughly. Fold in previously cooked ingredients and basil. Grind pepper over and mix again. Remove to large bowl and top with scallions.
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